Dating Etiquette and Rules to Follow
Halal Dating
Online Dating Etiquette for Jews
Dating Etiquette and Sex in China
A brief history of dating
The Dating Service
See also
Dating, chatup lines, etiquette and traditions
'Women like cheesy chat-up lines'
Women like cheesy chat-up lines, because it shows a man has a sense of humour,
according to new research.
Telegraph - 28 Sep 2009
Researchers found six out of 10 ladies are more likely to fall for a man if he breaks the ice with a light-hearted one-liner.
It also emerged that two fifths of women are still dating or are married to a man who first approached them with a funny quip.
But not every line works, with some getting a negative reaction.
Lines such as "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?", and "Apart from being beautiful, what do you do for a living?" worked "most of the time".
But "Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes", and "Is there a Rainbow, because you're the treasure I've been searching for", were likely to end up in failure because they were ''too over the top''.
It also emerged that seven out of 10 women like being chatted up while out with friends as it gives their confidence a boost – as long as the potential suitor is good looking.
A spokesman for www.OnePoll.com, which questioned 4,000 adults, said: "Women like a guy with a sense of humour and a cheesy chat-up line is a good way of displaying that.
"To fire off a good chat up line at a pretty girl the man will have to be pretty confident too, and women like confident men.
"At the very worst you're probably going to get a smile and a polite 'sorry, I'm not interested', but it seems there are some lines which actually work very well indeed.
"These are the ones which are light-hearted and quite clever and well thought out. It's the really awful ones which are going to end up with a bloke having egg on his face in front of his mates.
"The report also showed that women do like being chatted up, which might come as a surprise to some men."
Researchers found that 59 per cent of women secretly like it when a man uses a funny chat-up line, and three quarters said they would be receptive if the line was delivered with a smile.
Six out of 10 said cheesy chat up lines showed a man had a sense of humour and described that as ''vital'' in a potential partner.
Two thirds said they liked men to use them because it showed confidence – a recognised aphrodisiac.
And 68 per cent of the 2,000 women polled said they had been on a date with a man after he approached them with a chat-up line.
It also emerged the cheesy chat up line is predominantly a male obsession with 72 per cent of men admitting they used them compared to just 19 per cent of women.
And three out of four men said funny one-liners had helped them get the girl.
| Lines
that
work |
Lines that DON'T work |
|
| 'Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?' | (Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it) and say, 'Now that I've broken the ice, let's talk.' | |
| 'I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?' | 'I guess you can kiss heaven goodbye. Because it has got to be a sin to look that good.' | |
| 'Apart from being beautiful, what do you do for a living?' | 'Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good?' | |
| 'Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?' | 'I've lost that loving feeling, will you help me find it?' | |
| 'I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours instead?' | 'Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.' | |
| 'Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.' | 'Is there a rainbow, because you're the treasure I've been searching for.' | |
| 'Is it hot in here or is it just you?' | .Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.' | |
| 'Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?' | .I hope you know CPR? Because you take my breath away.' | |
| 'Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven? | 'Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?' | |
| 'There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.' | 'I may look like a frog but if you kiss me I'll turn into a prince.' |
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Dating Etiquette and Rules to Follow
Do's and dont's for your next night out
When you start dating, following a few rules of thumb will help you be more successful. It's tempting to avoid restating the basics, but the truth is, we all forget them from time to time. Dating is about two people coming together to get to know one another and find out whether they are compatible, then enjoying each other's company and eventually forming a close bond. During this process, there are some important guidelines you should remember:
* Dating should always be fun, and it's as much your responsibility as it is your partner's to ensure that it is. When you're dating, make sure you do everything you can to make the time you spend together enjoyable.
* Eye contact is crucial, and it's good etiquette to give your date as much of your attention as possible. They should feel like they are the only person in the room. Do not use a date as an excuse for general partying.
* Always be courteous and complimentary. Your date has made an effort to look nice for you, and your negative opinions and comments are unwelcome at this stage.
* Never ogle your date. It's rude, and it proves that all you care about is the other person's physical appearance. This will turn a woman off faster than almost anything else.
* Always show up for a date, unless you've given notice and let the other person know you have to cancel. Standing someone up is not acceptable, and it shows contempt for your prospective date by wasting their time. That kind of arrogance is detestable.
* Always be on time, and never keep your date waiting. If your transportation is unreliable, plan ahead and leave early so you can be there when the other person arrives. Being late shows a lack of respect for your date and illustrates how disorganized you are.
* Never be flashy or extravagant. There's no need to attempt to impress your partner with your wealth and importance. It shows no taste whatsoever to throw your credit card around and order expensive champagne, unless you're only after cheap thrills and don't care how it makes you look in front of the person you're trying to get to know.
* Smoking excessively during a date is bad form, unless your partner also enjoys chain-smoking. In general, smoking in a restaurant will do nothing for your image and shows crass disregard for others.
* Don't be arrogant on your date, and try to avoid talking about politics and/or religion in the early stages. You may be very opinionated on certain topics, but that does not mean you're right, or that your opinions won't offend the person you're with. Arrogance makes most people feel uncomfortable, so avoid it at all costs.
* Never argue or be rude to others during your date -- it simply is unacceptable. You're trying to show the other person your best qualities, so arguing about the tip or whether the wine is chilled enough will make you look like a fool.
* Be a good listener, and don't talk your date to death. Listening shows interest and the ability to compromise. If your idea of a date is talking about yourself and your opinions all night, then do the world a favor and stay at home alone.
* Dress well. In this day and age, there is absolutely no excuse for looking shabby. Dressing poorly shows laziness and will do nothing to make you look good. Furthermore, it shows a lack of respect for your date, who has more than likely made an effort to dress nicely.
* Make an effort to be clean and smell good. Make sure you're clean-shaven (where applicable), freshly showered and smell nice. It costs you nothing except a bottle of good perfume/cologne and some soap.
* Never swear or use bad language. It will make you sound like an idiot. If you want to find the person of your dreams, you must treat them with respect.
* Never discuss your other dates or how many people you've slept with. It's rude and shows you have no class.
* Even if you don't like your date, don't be quick to give them a hard time. Your partner is human and, like you, deserves to always to be treated with respect. You can still have a good time hanging out with someone you're not attracted to, so treating them badly just because they're not your type is unacceptable. Rudeness is not allowed.
* Never tell lies on a date to get someone into bed or to try to make yourself sound good. You will be found out, and then you will be rejected. Tell the truth, or avoid a subject if necessary.
* The man should pick up the dinner tab on the first date, and it's probably a bad idea to discuss money at all at this stage. Many people feel that financial discussions are crass and lack sophistication.
* Make sure your date feels comfortable at all times, and never do anything that might make them uncomfortable. Also, a man should always make sure his date gets home safely in a cab or by other means.
* Never try to sleep with someone on the first date. Sex comes later. If you sleep together too early, chances are it will be over before it began.
* Be as entertaining and witty as possible, and never rely on getting drunk as a fall-back plan. Drinking too much on a date shows that you have no respect for your partner and makes a mockery of the whole situation.
* Call when you say you'll call, and never leave someone hanging. If you didn't have a good time on your date, don't falsely promise anything or leave the door open. Doing so shows great disrespect for the other person, and it's much easier for everyone if you're honest about how you feel.
* Never pretend to be single when you're not. Telling your companion late in the game that you're taken is very inconsiderate. Date only when you are single.
Halal Dating
Ibrahim B. Syed, Ph. D.
President - Islamic Research Foundation International, Inc.
Dating is getting to know each other. However the dating that is vogue in North America involves intimate relationship such as touching, kissing, petting, necking that ultimately results in pre-marital sex. This was not there in North America before the Second World War. The women used to wear long chaste dresses and their dating did not involve the close intimacy that we see today.
No premarital sex is allowed in Islam. Therefore, no dating is allowed on the premise that dating inevitably leads to premarital sex.
The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life - with prayer, careful investigation, and family involvement. It is Islamically permissible for a couple to meet in chaperoned, or group environment. In Islam consent is very important- that is neither women nor men can be married against their will. Islam has given this freedom of choice to both young men and women - they cannot be forced into a marriage that they don't want.
Qur'an and Hadith on Chastity
However, we need to keep in mind the following Islamic commandments:
" You commit no sin by announcing your engagement to the women, or keeping it secret. GOD knows that you will think about them. Do not meet them secretly, unless you have something righteous to discuss. Do not consummate the marriage until their interim is fulfilled. You should know that GOD knows your innermost thoughts, and observe Him. You should know that GOD is Forgiver, Clement." Qur'an 2:235
… Also, you may marry the chaste women among the believers, as well as the chaste women among the followers of previous scripture, provided you pay them their due dowries. You shall maintain chastity, not committing adultery, nor taking secret lovers. Anyone who rejects faith, all his work will be in vain, and in the Hereafter he will be with the losers. Qur'an 5:5
Successful indeed are the believers; who are reverent during their Contact Prayers (Salat). And they avoid vain talk. And they give their obligatory charity (Zakat). And they maintain their chastity. Only with their spouses, or those who are rightfully theirs, do they have sexual relations; they are not to be blamed. Those who transgress these limits are the transgressors. Qur'an 23:1-7
Tell the believing men that they shall subdue their eyes (and not stare at the women), and to maintain their chastity. This is purer for them. GOD is fully Cognizant of everything they do. Qur'an 24:30
And tell the believing women to subdue their eyes, and maintain their chastity. They shall not reveal any parts of their bodies, except that which is necessary. They shall cover their chests, and shall not relax this code in the presence of other than their husbands, their fathers, the fathers of their husbands, their sons, the sons of their husbands, their brothers, the sons of their brothers, the sons of their sisters, other women, the male servants or employees whose sexual drive has been nullified, or the children who have not reached puberty. They shall not strike their feet when they walk in order to shake and reveal certain details of their bodies. All of you shall repent to GOD, O you believers, that you may succeed. Qur'an, 24:31
Among His proofs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves, in order to have tranquility and contentment with each other, and He placed in your hearts love and care towards your spouses. In this, there are sufficient proofs for people who think. Qur'an 30:21
They keep their chastity. (They have relations) only with their spouses, or what is legally theirs - Qur'an 70:29-30. Chastity is defined Quranically in 23:6 as avoiding sexual relations outside marriage.
There are clear verses in the Quran against the natural results of dating; from the seemingly innocent kiss to the more obvious. According to the Qur'anic commands unmarried men and women should maintain their chastity until marriage. (5: 5, 23: 5-7, 24: 3-0-31, 70: 29-331).
Hadrat Umar (RA) related that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative (mahram)" (Bukhari/Muslim).
The Prophet (peace be upon him) also reportedly said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan (Shaytan) is the third among them" (Tirmidhi). When young people are getting to know each other, being alone together is a temptation toward wrongdoing.
At all times, Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur'an (24:30-31) to "lower their gaze and guard their modesty...." Islam recognizes that we are human and are given to human weakness, so this rule provides safeguards for our own sake.
Friendship with Opposite Sex
Is it wrong for two people of the opposite sex to be very good friends at school and outside of school? Dr. Muzammil Siddiqui answers " Muslims should have good elations with all people, males as well as females. At school, at work, in you neighborhood etc. you should be kind and courteous to everyone. However, it is not allowed in Islam to take a non-mahram person or persons of the opposite gender as a very close friend.
Such friendship often leads to Haram. In the Qur’an, Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala mentioned that good men and women are those who marry, do not have fornicating relationships and do not have “paramours” (“akhdan” see al-Nisa’ 4:25; al-Ma’idah 5:5). “Akhdan” are “sweethearts” or for a man a “mistress” and for a woman a “lover”. The Prophet - peace be upon him - said, whenever two strangers of the opposite gender are alone with each other, Satan becomes the third one between them. (al-Tirmidhi, 1091).
Halal Dating
It is a common thing to see a white woman marrying a man from a Muslim country. A question arises as to how they met each other before their marriage? Was it a marriage arranged by their parents?
They had probably met at work and dated each other. In the past Muslims did not date because of arranged marriages. Are parents in North America going to arrange the marriages of their young children as is done in some Islamic countries?
In Islamic countries there are matrimonial brokers and agents who work to match the brides and bridegroom. Parents have the support of the community in finding spouses for their children. Relatives, networking, social gatherings particularly weddings, make arranging marriages easier. In the United States, parents are left alone and cut off from these networks.
The more educated the girl becomes, the less contented a parent feels in arranging for her marriage. African-American Muslims, as well as Arab and Asian immigrants from cultures that practice arranged marriages--are now unenthusiastic to do the same for their own children.
In an arranged marriage, a Muslim family usually investigates the prospective candidate further - talking with teachers, professors, employers, friends, family, Imams, colleagues, etc. to learn about his or her character.
It is a well-known fact that Islamic religious or cultural events are often segregated by gender? So how are the young North American Muslims supposed to meet and marry each other?
"Young American Muslims have come up with creative solutions to dating--and they fall into roughly three categories. The first group is "Strict Muslims" who date halal (in an Islamically permissible style). The second group I call "Eid Muslims," because many are not strict in practice and attend mosques only on holidays. While technically they are dating haram (unlawfully in Islam), without chaperones, they're keeping physical intimacy to a minimum and parental involvement at a maximum. The third group dates "Sex and the City"-style (definitely haram), openly and freely leading a non-Islamic lifestyle, having premarital sex sometimes in a series of monogamous relationships. "
"This "Sex and the City" group consists mostly of Muslim men who date non-Muslim women. These non-Muslim women sometimes convert to Islam and marry their Muslim boyfriends. But some are unceremoniously dumped when the man's parents arrange a halal marriage. The woman's family is naturally upset at how she has been treated, resulting in a misconception that Muslim men treat women poorly. Ironically, the "Sex and the City" Muslim man can date freely without risking his standing in the community, while a Muslim woman with the same dating pattern would not only gain a bad reputation but risk losing a good arranged marriage proposal. This double standard and poor treatment of women is not endorsed by Islam but by a general patriarchy that pervades many world cultures, including America. "
"Upon getting serious with a woman they're dating, though, some of these "Sex and the City" men suddenly reassert their strict Wahhabi upbringing. They insist that their girlfriends, with whom they once openly had sex, will now have to wear a cover and stay at home, and that their dating relationship was haram. A friend of mine who had such an experience broke off the engagement with the Muslim man but retained her commitment to Islam. She said many of her friends were surprised that she didn't return to the party-girl lifestyle once her Muslim fiancé was out of the picture. But she told me she is now committed to waiting to have sex again till she marries."
"My friend wants to engage in halal dating--a practice gaining much popularity in the American Muslim community both among Strict Muslims and Eid Muslims. Halal dating is the first cousin of arranged marriage, with young people finding their own mates--within the guidelines of Islam--instead of their parents arranging marriages for them. Because the Qur'an advocates equality between the sexes, it does not permit premarital sex--since all the negative consequences fall upon the woman, including pregnancy, the social stigma, and the raising of the child. Premarital sex is also forbidden for other reasons, including learning to discipline oneself and practice self-control. Under Islam, when a man has sex with a woman to whom he is not married, he is being disrespectful of her, whether she is consensually participating or not. So young Muslims who engage in halal dating seek a commitment first and are vigilant about staying true to their religion."
"For both Strict and Eid Muslims, couples are introduced to each other, either by parents or friends. (Less often they meet at school or in their local community.) They spend time talking over the phone or on the Internet and even going on dates, though for Strict Muslims, a chaperone is always present. Once they have decided they like each other, the couple is married under Islamic law by signing a marriage contract. This event, called the nikah, is as binding as a marriage. However, the couple is seen as engaged in most Islamic cultures and in American-Islamic culture. The signing of the agreement allows them to spend more time together. Strict Muslims still have a chaperone present and do not even hold hands."
Halal dating fosters a clear understanding between the man and the woman that they are committed to marrying each other. One views the other as a life partner, not a hot prom date. Eventually they will marry in a ceremony attended by their friends and family members.
Sometimes, though, the betrothal may break up, but, because the couple was engaged in halal dating, no disgrace attaches to them. Many Muslims marry non-Muslim women who convert as a result of halal dating. Another example of halal dating that resulted in marriage is that of a divorced non-Muslimah, who met a Muslim of Pakistani descent in her medical school class. The Pakistani husband even adopted her daughter from a previous marriage.
"Islamic law itself can be fluid in matters of the heart, depending on who is wielding the gavel. Many non-Muslims see Islam as a gigantic, static monolith, when, in fact, Islam can be very dynamic. Shi'ite Muslims, for instance, sometimes use the device of muta to facilitate dating. A muta is a temporary marriage recognized under Shi'ite practice. An agreement, oral or written, is created between the man and woman, securing for the woman certain rights in the event of pregnancy or at the termination of the marriage. I recently heard of a young Muslim couple living together before their formal wedding ceremony. Their parents could not bear their children living together unmarried so they secured a muta fatwa [an Islamic legal ruling that a temporary marriage was taking place between them] for them. Their living together was then halal. "As for me, I look at it this way: Whether the use of muta is right or wrong, whether halal dating is indeed halal or not isn't the issue. In the end, we Muslims believe that God will decide, as He is the final judge of us all. "
Problems of Muslim Marriages in Britain
In Great Britain, Muslim youth intermingle freely and happily with most of their non-Muslim friends. When they have friends of the opposite sex, they are almost always non-Muslims. What is the reason for this? Because there is no shame whatsoever at the school in mixing freely and exchanging views and feelings - but there is enormous suspicion placed upon young Muslim men and women who try to mix freely and exchange views as friends. This is true in the Masaajids also.
"We partly have the problem of those Muslims who simply regard this as a strict no-no, and feel teenagers of the opposite sex must be kept apart at any price. Usually all that happens here is that they are kept apart from other Muslims, but mix pretty freely with non-Muslims. Others take the line that if a Muslim sees someone of the opposite sex, one glance is allowed but then the eyes must be cast down modestly, thus making normal conversation a difficult matter, to say the least. Perhaps it is time to consider the real importance of those words - modest BEHAVIOUR, and the duty of a young Muslims adult not to 'eyeball' members of the opposite sex. In other words, seeing someone is not forbidden, but using the eyes in a certain way is. Our conversations with members of the other sex must not be sexually inviting or flirtatious in order to stir up feelings it is difficult to control, especially in the young."
Elderly Muslims prevent the young Muslim adults from mixing freely. But this could result in the following major problems.
"(i) Young Muslim adults don't actually know anyone of the opposite sex as friends.
(ii) Young Muslim women don't actually like young Muslim men very much, for they are not making the same efforts to be charming and helpful towards them as the non-Muslim friends are.
(iii) In situations where young Muslim men and women have become friends, they are expected to treat themselves as brothers and sisters, and a 'love' relationship then seems out of the question."
How to correct this ludicrous state of affairs. It is forbidden in Islam to seek privacy with someone of the opposite sex without a third party present. When that happens, there are grounds for suspicions, criticism, affronts to family honor and so forth. The world is witnessing male members in some Muslim countries committing murder of their young women (honor killing) for the slightest of suspicions - a matter regarded as totally un-Islamic in view of the highly stringent rules for four competent witnesses to actual acts of full sexual intimacy, otherwise people will be flogged with 80 lashes for false or unproven accusations.
"Incidentally, the laws of Islam which allow females to be alone with mahrem males has unfortunately been much abused, and girls need to be warned that sometimes even their male relatives are not safe to be alone with. The incidence of fathers, uncles and brothers (and teachers and pir-sahibs) sexually abusing Muslim girls is sadly on the increase - or, at least, is being increasingly reported. What we need is firstly to recognize that there is nothing at all wrong with young people meeting in situations where intimacy cannot occur because of witnesses; and secondly to create occasions in which they can meet safely in halal ways, so that they CAN get to know each other. The more of these occasions we can organize, whether family events or mosque events or conference events, the better. I also heartily recommend that males and females find at least some opportunities for sitting together at meals, and conversing afterwards.
We also have the problem that the type of young Muslim man or woman most praised by many Muslim elders is the ultra-serious, committed, ritualistic type of Muslim, whose Islam runs the danger of being judged by their ability to memorize Arabic passages (with or without understanding), or the growth of beard or school-uniform type of hijab, or the number of hours spent in prayers and Qur'anic study. Needless to say, I have no wish whatsoever to denigrate the efforts of these admirable people - quite the contrary. Please let that be clearly understood. However, having said that, Muslims of that type do not always make the best of husbands or wives, for they have that ascetic streak and zealousness of commitment that is beyond the reach of the majority.
May Allah grant us the grace to think seriously about the plight of our youngsters seeking good life-partners, especially our girls - many of whom may feel they are 'condemned' to marry Muslim men rather than look forward with joy to the prospect. Our young people of both sexes need to see beyond the facades, and to appreciate the nobility and talents of each other, so that they may move forward with confidence and not have a hopeful marriage collapse in trauma and dismay."
Every knows that in Saudi Arabia most marriages are arranged. It is also well known that couples who once engaged to each other, are allowed to dine out together and to go to other places provided they had a responsible chaperone with them. Obviously this could be classified as a type of Halal dating or Islamic dating.
Currently in North America a Muslim family enquires, discusses, and suggests prospective candidates to their children of marriageable age. They consult with each other to narrow down potential prospects. Usually the father or mother approaches the other family to suggest a meeting. In the majority of cases the prospective bridegroom visits the bride's place with his family or alone. The prospective candidates meet and talk to each other in the presence of a chaperone. If it clicks in the first meeting, the dating process continues by telephonic conversations, FAXes, E-mail communications, Videoconferences, etc. This type of focused courtship helps ensure the strength of the marriage, by drawing upon family elders' wisdom and guidance in this important life decision. Family involvement in the choice of a marriage partner helps assure that the choice is based not on romantic notions, but rather on a careful, objective evaluation of the compatibility of the couple. That is why these marriages often prove to be successful.
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Online Dating Etiquette for Jews
JDate.com
These days, people are logging on to the Web for everything from banking and business to shopping and love, and with this surge in online activity, we've seen a whole new code of manners emerge.
Social etiquette has been particularly important at online matchmaking sites, where more and more people are going every day to look for love. Just like in any social circle the world over, this cyber-dating scene has found it necessary to develop it's own rules for making interactions smooth, civilized and friendly. So, if you're looking for a date, soul mate or friend, your best bet is to put your matchmaking site to good use and listen up to what Miss Manners has to say to avoid any cyber-faux-pas.
Cyber-Dating Etiquette
DO stick with a reputable dating site where you can feel comfortable and safe--one that keeps your email confidential and doesn't allow profanity--this way you'll feel free to be yourself when interacting with other members.
DO be honest in your profile, and post up-to-date photos. Sometimes being yourself can be scary, but the right person will like you just as you are. Besides, if you really want to get to know someone, you're going to meet in person and the truth will come out anyway.
DO set up an email account just for cyber-dating and use a Username that reflects your personality (without being way over the top).
DON'T send the same email to everyone. Personalize your messages by responding to things mentioned in emails and profiles. (No one wants junk mail--it's a waste of time.)
DO reply to everyone who contacts you (you get a 1 week leeway). If you're not interested, a simple "Thank you, but I'm unable to correspond with you at this time." will do.
DON'T write people off right away. It takes at least a few emails to get a sense of someone.
DO be polite. Remember, there IS a person sitting on the other end of the wires.
DO use humor, especially if it's a part of your offline personality, but be careful with it. Humor doesn't always translate over the wires, and it's difficult to gage how the recipient is responding. To set the tone, add an emoticon or two, like a :) or a ;-).
DON'T say anything in an email that you wouldn't say to someone's face.
DON'T lie. Enough said.
DO start each email with a greeting (Dear, Hi, Greetings, Wassup?) and end with a closing (Sincerely, Regards, Cheers, ?Til soon) and your name.
DON'T use profanity or tell off-color jokes.
DO have reasonable expectations and take it in stride if a relationship doesn't work out. DON'T take things too personally-some people have no manners ;-) .
DON'T email someone's ear off. In other words, don't "talk" too much and don't tell your whole life story right away. Leave something for when you get together.
DO ask questions to create an open-ended conversation.
DO respect the other person's privacy. DON'T ask for personal contact information or answers to extremely personal questions right away.
DON'T push anyone. If they say they don't want to communicate with you, need more time before opening up, or are not ready to meet in person, they're not playing hard to get. Get it?
DON'T hesitate to ask someone out once you get the feeling that you're both into it--use your intuition, just like you would offline. This applies to guys and gals alike. Traditional or non-traditional offline? Be true to yourself in the cyber-world--it's real too.
If you're interested, DO go out with someone you meet online, but start with a short date in a public place. That way, if your feelings differ offline, you have an easy out.
DO send a follow-up email after an offline date, whether it's to say thanks, but no thanks, or to reaffirm how much fun you had.
DON'T string anyone along just because you don't know how to say "no" or like the ego boost.
DO play the field. Just as long as you're being honest and having fun, it's okay to keep contacting as many people as you like until you find someone you're interested in. After all, meeting new people is what dating is all about.
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Dating Etiquette and Sex in China
Middle Kingdom Life, home of the highly-acclaimed Foreign Teachers' Guide to Living and Working in China.
Dating etiquette as we know it in the West is quite different in China and therefore—as most foreign teachers in China are unattached men—it behooves us to understand and appreciate those differences prior to finding ourselves surrounded by millions of potentially interested Chinese women if we are to avoid terrible misunderstandings or worse.
For many Chinese girls, especially those who do not consider themselves to be highly competitive for the most desirable men in China, foreign men do provide a very attractive alternative (see unit "Understanding the Attraction to Foreign Men"). Consequently, no matter how average or even well below-average a Western man may be, he can very easily find a relatively pretty girl (by Western standards) to fall in love with him. As one impoverished 24-year old Chinese girl, who was aggressively courting a foreign teacher twice her age, reported: "My mother told me that a poor foreigner is always better than a rich Chinese." During your stay in China, you will hear this culturally ingrained belief expressed numerous times, especially among girls who were raised by poor families.
Dynamics of Dating and Courtship
For most "good" Chinese girls, an offer of sex is almost always a gesture of good faith in contemplation of marriage.
Casual dating, particularly as it exists in the West, is virtually unheard of in China. The vast majority of married Chinese born prior to 1970 had only known and dated their current spouse. Although this is gradually changing among college age people, especially for those born or attending school in international cities, most Chinese girls simply do not understand or feel comfortable with the Western concept of serial dating.
A potential spouse is selected (or consented to) almost entirely on the feeling the girl experiences in the man’s presence, informed by her understanding of his age, educational level, earning potential, overall personality and temperament, and ability to provide for her and her family. The Western practice of “playing the field” or dating multiple people to learn more about them before making a mutually exclusive commitment does not exist in China. It would be highly unusual for a Chinese girl to agree to meet or spend time with a man in anything but a group setting unless she was certain that she had “strong feelings” for him as a future spouse.
As a matter of practice, what typically happens is that if a man or woman is interested in someone, they will have a mutual friend arrange a group dinner of six to eight people. Sometimes this dinner will be arranged by a mutual friend without the prior knowledge of either party, i.e., the friend decides to play matchmaker and will not announce the real agenda to either intended party. The two interested or intended parties will usually not be seated next to each other but will often be separated by at least two to three other people. This allows them to be close enough to communicate with each other, but not so close that it appears as if they are already a couple. During this “pre-screening” dinner, mutual friends will direct the conversation towards topics that allow the unofficial guests of honor to inconspicuously qualify each other as potential spouses, e.g., current occupation, educational and relationship history, children, family background, present living arrangements, etc. This social arrangement makes it very convenient for each party to save face if in fact there is an absence of mutual interest.
If there is mutual interest, that will be readily apparent to both parties in the context of how they related to each other during this first group encounter in terms of eye contact, facial expressions, the number and types of questions that were asked of each other, how they were answered, and, especially, if name cards were exchanged.
Subsequent to such a group meeting, if a Chinese girl agrees to go out with a man on what we would call a first date, she is formally acknowledging this man as a viable candidate for marriage. If she agrees to a second date, then she is consenting to the distinct possibility of marriage. A third date for a traditional Chinese girl will commonly be perceived as indicating mutual intentions of marriage in the foreseeable future. Western men need to be aware at all times that dating and courtship in China are really this rapid and simplistically linear.
Meeting Chinese Women in the Absence of Mutual Acquaintances
Although an introduction via mutual acquaintances is the most common method for meeting available women in China, it is certainly not the only way.
Chinese women who are keenly interested in meeting Western men will make themselves available in a variety of venues frequented by foreigners, including English corners, expat bars, supermarkets, and even Western restaurant franchises such as McDonald’s (see unit "How or Where Do I Find English-Speaking Chinese Women?").
Generally speaking, if a Chinese woman is interested in you she will make certain you are aware of it. If you look at her and smile, she will smile back even more broadly and this can be safely taken as an invitation to initiate a conversation with her. If that conversation goes well, it is then appropriate to ask her for her mobile phone number (and, more likely than not, she will even volunteer it). Just keep in mind that the aforementioned caution regarding the general absence of casual dating in China applies as much in this instance as it does in any other. The major exception to this rule is composed of highly Westernized girls, particularly those who have a history of dating or living with foreign men.
Sex as a Fast Track to the Altar
In the context of such a linear and rapid path to coupling in China, it should be readily apparent that casual sex is virtually non-existent here for all but highly Westernized girls and those born and raised in Beijing, Shanghai and, to a lesser extent, Guangzhou. Although social mores in this regard are slowly changing, it would not be unusual to find even a 30-year old virgin in China for—although it doesn't mean very much in the West—virginity at marriage, still to this day, means something in China, very much so. In a study conducted by the Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences, 60 percent of 500 single men and women between the ages of 20 and 30 years, living in 25 neighborhoods, reported that virginity is a marriage requirement, while only 16.5 percent claimed that it didn't matter (People's Daily, 2003).
Much to your surprise, and, paradoxically perhaps (in light of the relative importance of virginity at marriage), you will find that many girls are actually eager to sleep with you on the second or third date (in fact, they are often the ones to initiate it), but you should exercise extreme caution in how that apparent sexual aggressiveness is interpreted: For most "good" Chinese girls, an offer of sex is almost always a gesture of good faith in contemplation of marriage. It's intended to be a binding dealmaker and that is how it should be responded to, one way or the other. Above all, always be honest about your intentions—whatever those may be.
A sure-fire way to confirm that the girl is quite serious about you is if you learn that she has spoken to her mother about you. As a rule, girls will not discuss any man they are seeing (not even with their girlfriends) unless they have decided that this is the person they want to be with. Related, if the girl invites you to meet her family, this is symbolically equivalent to a formal announcement of engagement in the West. It would be best not to agree to meet her family unless you have marriage in mind.
Finally, keep in mind that words are not used nearly as casually in China as they are in the West and that physical displays of affection are relatively uncommon. If the girl expresses verbal affection to you, e.g., "I miss you," or displays any physical intimacy at all (taking your hand in hers, rubbing your shoulder, etc.), you can safely assume that she already views you as her future husband. By the way, and as an aside, the SMS text codes for "I love you" and "I miss you" commonly used by Chinese college students and young adults are "520" and "530," respectively, and are often sent combined as 520530.
Social Consequences of Dating Western Men and Loss of Virginity
Responsible Western men will bear in mind that Chinese girls who have lived with or even dated foreign men are extremely limited in their future marriage options if the relationship doesn't last. Most traditional Chinese men will immediately eliminate a woman as a potential future spouse if and when they learn she has had a former foreign boyfriend, even in the absence of sexual intercourse. This rather strong bias often then leads to a forced pattern of serial monogamous cohabitating relationships with other foreign men exclusively.
Outside the three major international cities, it is highly unlikely you will encounter an unmarried Chinese girl, under the age of 35, who is only looking for a "friend with benefits." Anecdotal evidence suggests that middle-aged women, whose husbands are out of town on business for days at a time, overrepresent those who are seeking casual sexual relationships as they are driven by loneliness and the belief that their husbands are doing more than just discussing business during their frequent late night outings. If casual sex is all you are interested in, then you must be abundantly clear about that from the outset. Low-class, immoral, and unscrupulous Western men who publically boast about all their recent sexual exploits at the bar each evening are often later found beaten into a state of coma by the locals.
Whether we like it or not... each of us is something of a goodwill ambassador of his respective country in China
One such foreign rogue thought it would be a good idea to publish a blog on the Internet about his sexual exploits with women in a major Chinese city while he was teaching at a university there. His entries were so sexually explicit, graphic and demeaning that they soon caught the attention of a university professor who spearheaded an intensive citywide manhunt for this foreigner. What incensed the professor more than anything else was this character's detailed descriptions of how he was deliberately exploiting and manipulating the emotions of his own students (i.e., boasting about how he was able to get them into bed without promising them anything). Soon thereafter, this foreigner would be forced to shut down and go into hiding.
Whether we like it or not and even if we are not willing to accept responsibility for this fact, each of us is something of a goodwill ambassador of his respective country in China, especially in areas where foreigners are relatively scarce. Wholesale judgments regarding what an American or Brit or Australian is “really like” are often permanently ingrained in the minds of the locals based on the behavior of just one foreign teacher. Every single one of us needs to bear in mind, at all times, that our individual behaviors often affect how the rest of us as "foreign men" will be regarded and responded to.
Foreign men who indiscriminately sleep with as a many relatively naive and innocent Chinese girls as possible (or far worse, deliberately seek to deflower virgins), as if this were a type of sport or recreational activity, do far more to hurt international relations with the local Chinese than any one of our governments possibly could. We as foreign guests in China have a moral and ethical responsibility to treat Chinese women with the same honesty, respect, and dignity that we would want our own sisters or daughters to be treated with.
Casual Dating Opportunities
Western men who are not interested in marriage or are planning to spend only a brief period of time in China may wonder if their only options are to seek the company of prostitutes or remain celibate. As one reader put it " ...your guide seems to leave the only option as a serious girlfriend with marriage potential or the right hand" (see Casual Dating and Sex in the readers forum). Generally speaking, there is a great deal of truth to this conclusion although, as is always the case, there are exceptions to this rule that warrant some discussion.
Keep in mind that, aside from what are typically regarded as more esthetically pleasing facial features, e.g., "large nose" and "big eyes," the main attraction that Western men hold for Asian women is greater future stability and dependability. If you take away the promise of a better tomorrow for the girl and her family, most Asian women would just assume take their chances on men from their own culture who can speak the same language and have established long-term roots in the same community: It's just a lot easier and simpler on so many levels.
However, while the vast majority of women in China are marriage-minded, not all are and, in addition, there are many women who had once hoped to find the man of their dreams but have long since abandoned that aspiration in lieu of more attainable short-term goals. Examples of such women include, but are not limited to: former prostitutes and aging karaoke (KTV) girls; divorced women with school-aged children; women with a history of having dated and lived with other foreign men; those regarded as unattractive or "too old" by Chinese standards, and, as alluded to above; terribly bored middle-aged women married to men who are away on business trips for days at a time, especially if the women suspect infidelity.
Completely aside from these aforementioned types who are considered uncompetitive for the best men in China, there are a relative handful of well-educated, young, pretty, and upwardly mobile Chinese women (Chuppies)—found mostly in such international cities as Shanghai, Beijing, Shenzhen, and, to a lesser extent, Guangzhou—who have no current interest in marriage and, uncharacteristically so for Chinese women, have no plans to ever have a child. These women are in fact interested in casual dating and sex without strings but, and this is a big "but," they will generally apply the same criteria in mate selection employed by women in our respective Western countries. Such that they are only looking for a "good time," they are going to seek relatively young men who would be regarded as handsome and very desirable anywhere in the world. Quite surprisingly, and paradoxically perhaps, even though these young professional women tend to possess some of the best English language skills in China, their general preference seems to lean in the direction of Chinese men, almost exclusively. Unless a Western man were relatively young, above-average in physical appearance, and had a lot of cash at his disposal, it is unlikely he would catch the fancy of such a Chinese girl.
Simply stated, when you factor out the wish for a better future and the desire for a long-term commitment with a man who will be there 20 years from now irrespective of how financially successful he might be at that time, Western men mostly lose whatever competitive edge they may have in China unless they are already highly competitive in the dating scene back home.
Summary of Main Points
* Casual dating as we know it in the West does not exist in China. Although this is slowly changing in highly Westernized cities such as Shanghai and Beijing, most girls in China do not believe in serial casual dating. In a current study of dating and marital preferences among young adults in China, only 38 percent of the female respondents disagreed with the statement that it is best to date and later marry only one man during their lifetimes (Mavrides, 2009). Consequently, for the majority of Chinese girls you will meet, a second or third meeting (date) will indicate to them a serious intention on your part of, at the very least, mutual exclusivity or perhaps even marriage.
* If the girl explicitly tells you that she "really likes" (wo hen xihuan ni), "loves" (wo ài ni), or "misses" you (wo xiang ni), you need to keep in mind that these words have a far greater and significant meaning in China than they do in the West. When a Chinese girl expresses these sentiments to you or displays any type of physical affection at all, it typically means that she has already "chosen" you as a future spouse.
* Most girls in China will only inform their parents about the man they are seeing if they are serious about that relationship. If you learn that the girl has, in fact, told her parents about you, that means she perceives the relationship as a permanent one.
* In China, meeting the girl's parents is tantamount to an announcement of engagement in the West. Unless you are seriously considering marriage to this girl, do NOT agree to meet her parents.
* Virginity still means something in China, even though it presently has little meaning in our respective Western countries. In our current study of dating and marital preferences, 83 percent of the female participants, ranging in age from 16- to 28-years old, were still virgins, and age only accounted for about 6 percent of the variance in virginity (ibid). Unless you are quite serious about the girl, or you know for a fact that she is only interested in a "friend with benefits," it is wise to avoid any physical intimacy with her. By all means, you need to be entirely honest about your intentions from the very start in order to avoid misunderstandings or worse.
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A brief history of dating
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Courtship
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Acholi people |
Dating as we know it today is a relatively new concept. It is such a big part of our modern life that we think it has been around forever. In reality, dating is an invention of the 20th century.
In the old days, the parents prearranged all marriages, and the children had little or no say in the selection of their mate. If the parents so desired they could consult the son or daughter, but they certainly were not required to do so. Marriage for the sake of "love" was simply not a matter of consideration.
The dating process of today is different in structure and purpose than it was in the era when "courting" was the operative word. Courting wasn't something young people did merely for a good time; it was a serious family business proposition. Surprisingly, the main players in the marriage process often weren't just the bride and groom; they were the parents of the bride and groom.
Courting was rooted in the era of arranged marriages, though the couple and their feelings often played an important role. Still, families often met to discuss how this marriage would benefit not only the bride and groom, but also the respective clans. The point is, a marriage is a joining of two families as well as two young people.
This is quite different from the freedoms experienced by young people today. We have more options now; "love" is almost always the universal premise for marriage, particularly in Western cultures. There are, however, still many parts of the world where arranged marriages are the rule.
ancien courtship
Ancient Courtship
In ancient times, many of the first marriages were by capture, not choice - when there was a scarcity of nubile women, men raided other villages for wives. Frequently the tribe from which a warrior stole a bride would come looking for her, and it was necessary for the warrior and his new wife to go into hiding to avoid being discovered. According to an old French custom, as the moon went through all its phases the couple drank a brew called metheglin, which was made from honey. Hence, we get the word, honeymoon. Arranged marriages were the norm, primarily business relationships born out of the desire and/or need for property, monetary or political alliances.
Medieval Chivalry
From buying a woman dinner to opening a door for her, many of today's courting rituals are rooted in medieval chivalry. During medieval times, the importance of love in a relationship emerged as a reaction to arranged marriages, but was still not considered a prerequisite in matrimonial decisions. Suitors wooed their intended with serenades and flowery poetry, following the lead of lovelorn characters on stage and in verse. Chastity and honor were highly regarded virtues. In 1228, women first gained the right to propose marriage in Scotland, a legal right that then slowly spread through Europe.
Victorian Formality
During the Victorian Era (1837-1901), romantic love became viewed as the primary requirement for marriage and courting became even more formal - almost an art form among the upper classes. An interested gentleman could not simply walk up to a young lady and begin a conversation. Even after being introduced, it was still some time before it was considered appropriate for a man to speak to a lady or for a couple to be seen together. Once they had been formally introduced, if the gentleman wished to escort the lady home he would present his card to her. At the end of the evening the lady would look over her options and chose who would be her escort. She would notify the lucky gentleman by giving him her own card requesting that he escort her home. Almost all courting took place in the girl's home, always under the eye of watchful parents. If the courting progressed, the couple might advance to the front porch. Smitten couples rarely saw each other without the presence of a chaperone, and marriage proposals were frequently written.
Modern Dating
In the years 1920's to 1945, dating involved a more informal dating than ever before. For the first time there were no chaperones on dates between males and females. The dates required no formal commitment to each other and there was more freedom. Previously the community and church established the dating rules, but now the peers instituted the rules. Instead of the man coming to the women's house, they went "out" where it required money. It is said that there was a control issue surrounding the change in dating. Previously dating was somewhat in the women's control because the man was coming into her house. However, now couples were going out and the man paid for the date.
The most popular pastimes on dates were dancing and movies. Before the 1920's going dancing was a group activity but now it became couple oriented. Cars also had a huge impact on dating practices. Having a car now enabled couples to have more privacy and intimacy. The practice of "petting" spread over all the dating couples now more than ever and there were even "petting" parties. This new kind of dating allowed each person to get to know each other better before they settled in an exclusive relationship. The focus was now on success and popularity without involving emotions. Before, this type of dating, formal courting was for the purpose of finding the "ideal" mate.
During the 1930's, "steady" relationships had developed as a stage between casualness of dating and marriage. When a "steady" stage had formed, the couple dated only each other, which could last for months or maybe just a week. Romantic love was the only basis for marriage, and you definitely knew when you found "the right one".
Some of the same practices of the twenties and thirties were carried to the years between 1945 and 1960. Parents didn't agree with this new behavior towards dating evolving in the youth because of the increase in pre-marital sexual behavior. The "good" girl however engaged in all form of petting except intercourse, to keep "pure" for their husbands. If women did engage in pre-marital intercourse, she usually intended to marry. Love still was the basis for marriage, which was the most important source of happiness and fulfillment. The single men and women were pitied, because they were thought of lacking happiness in their life.
From the 1960's to the present there have been some drastic changes in the dating. Feminism had a big impact on dating rituals. Women were now empowered more than ever to think of themselves not as just a wife but also a human being. Between the years 1960-1972 the amount of women in colleges greatly increased. The youth culture also began to develop a more liberal attitude towards pre-marital sex. Birth control was now very common for couples to have. The pill went on the market in 1960, and within three years more than 2 million American women were using it. The average first intercourse was now at age 16 for males and age 17 for females.
In the year 1980 it was reported that 80% of males and 65% of females have engaged in pre-marital sex. The year 1988 the age of first marriages was now 25.9% male and 23.6% females, which was a huge decrease. Dating and courting was still central features but in the 1970's there wasn't dating as often and the youth began to date at older ages. The average aged female to date in the year 1958 was 13 and in 1978 was 14. In the 1970's and 1980's dating changed and the following ways: there was a greater opportunity for informal opposite sex interaction, dating became less formal, and there was no longer a set progression of stages from first meeting to marriage. In conclusion, the dating system has become more pluralistic over time.
What Made Dating Rituals Change?
As the world changes around us, so do our lives. This is true for dating habits also. One can observe drastic changes in dating rituals, at times of technological and social change. A sexologist Leonore Tiefer states in her book, SEX is Not a Natural Act and Other Essays, how large social changes affected how people view marriage and relationships: "The Purpose of marriage has shifted from economic necessity to companionship, resulting in dramatic changes in obligations and expectations. There has been a shift in how we measure a person's "success's" to include physical vitality and life enjoyment along with material achievements. Divorce and "serial monogamy" have become increasingly acceptable making people anxious about maintaining relationships. Changes in social attitudes and improvements in contraception have allowed women to view sexuality as separate from reproduction and as an avenue from self-expression and pleasure. People are relying on personal relationships to provide a sense of worth they lack in the public sphere due to increased technology, mobility, and bureaucracy" (Tiefer, pg. 11).
As mentioned previously, the automobile had a large effect on the way girls and boys interacted romantically. They were no longer subjected to the supervision of parents, and they became more comfortable with sexuality as they were allowed more mobility. Not all women were staying home, they were able to get out and work along side the men. The invention of television presented models of how to go on dates for adolescent teens. Dresses got shorter, there was more freedom, and the generation of kids beginning to date took advantage as petting got heavier, and relationships were more serious before marriage than they ever have been.
In the 1960's the controversial birth control pill became available to women. This allowed couples to have sexual intercourse without fearing a teenage pregnancy. With the introduction of birth control, and the more common use of illegal drugs, casual sex was becoming more common. The summer of love was famous for people having multiple partners and experiencing "free love." This was also a sexual revolution for Gay rights. Homosexuals around the country were uniting and demanding respect and tolerance for their lifestyles. Women too were experiencing a revolution; they were becoming more independent. Women were no longer conforming to the housewife model, and were looking for other careers. They did not have to depend on husbands and fathers anymore, now they could depend on themselves.
As sex came out of the bedroom, it became a capitalist venture. Pornography and sex shops grew and appeared more frequently in cities. Suddenly images of sex became more visible to all people including children. This resulted in an increase of the number of people having premarital sex, and forming serious relationships earlier in life. Just as the country thought the next generation was going to become a bunch of free loving hippies, AIDS struck. AIDS; although it is a terrible epidemic, has forced people to educate others about sex and act responsibly. Now a new technology is affecting the way people go about forming sexual relations with others, and that is the Internet. The Internet has created a new place and new way for people to meet others and interact. It has become a place for casual sex (i.e. cybersex), and a place to meet lifetime partners. From the Internet you can place classifieds, or order mail order brides. It is also a place of gender, and personality bending fantasy, where people can pretend to be whoever they please. So people should be weary of whom they talk to on the Internet.
These are just a few of the changes that affected the way people go about meeting their mate, and how they interact with them. Dating habits are always changing over time, but one can see how the many social aspects in our lives are linked, and if there is a large change in our lives, it is like a domino effect to the rest of our
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See also:
Promiscuity
Why did you choose your mate? No, it's not all in your genes
What are the scientific reasons for having sex?
British Muslims are in 'denial' over inbreeding birth defects,
England’s Lost Daughters
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